One hell of a week it's been.
The outing last Thursday with The Boyfriend and the classmates started it off really well, and then Friday the meet with the Rockstar -- which was unprogressive on so many levels but it doesn't matter, at least I got to see him. However, it did put a little bump to the week.

Saturday was ADTR -- I mean, AAR (Wow, how I wish it was ADTR instead) and I fell totally ill that day cos of the rain and the lack of food.

Sunday was normal, sushi with Sameera and then we hung out watching Paramore videos in my room.

Monday I went to school, fell even more sick.

Tuesday skipped school.
Wednesday skipped school.

Thursday is today.

The whole sick bit totally raped me of a progressive week. Don't forget I have my first pre-trials next week starting Tuesday which, mind you, I am totally screwed for. I mean, I can do it, I know I can, but the thought that I haven't been in school for a whole solid year just makes me feel dumb to the bone.

I will do it, I tell ya.

Morgan Then. Have you ever heard of him? He's pure talent. And look! In his latest cover of Boys Like Girls feat. Taylor Swift's 2 Is Better Than 1, he mentions my name. Well, he mentions, "MonkeyDisease" but hey, he meant me!

Click here to watch the cover.

He's brilliant!

What else... what else...

OH! Looks like I'm singing Thinking Of You with Caprice for the Fly.Fm Anniversary in November. It's gonna be fun because One Buck Short is playing too, and I absolutely LOVE them.

I don't know what else to add! I'n in my second hour of Economics, which on Thursdays I have 3 hours and 45 minutes of. You did NOT have to know that but eat my dust, I'm telling you anyway.

The medication is making me cranky. Please, I beg, bare with me. :)

On a softer, less crankier note, I have to say that Asyraff is as real as a boyfriend gets.
We actually talk. About feelings. There's no controlling machoness here or any bullshit like that--you know? The bullshit that we have to usually go through cos our partner's ego is bigger than his/her heart?

With him, it's alright to be absolutely cheesy or corny. And we can talk about normal things too. Like, our day, perhaps?
We talk about absolutely everything. My problems, how he feels about it, how I feel about it, past experiences (skoochy! HA!), current thoughts. Everything. Everrrrrything.
And I LOVE that he is not afraid to tell me if he's jealous of something. Now THAT is new for me/
It feels real, and I remember that one time, I posted on my Facebook status that I was not going to settle for anything less than real.

That meant:
No more half-hearted flings.
No more actions without words.
No more macho controlling tactics.
No more games.
DEFINITELY no more games.

And I might have not stuck to that on the way to this, but I got it. I finally got it. I got the real deal. And to be honest, I thought I'd be afraid of it at first, since commitment had ALWAYS been an issue when it came to me. (But darling, you are the only exception.) But now that I have it, and I'm experiencing it, with the easy night phone calls and the wake up texts and the love-sick statuses on Facebook, the holding hands in public, the kissing in public and so on, this feels real.

I might see him only once a week. Yes, ONCE a week since he had to live all the way on the other side of the town but when we do meet its as if the wait was worth it. Because as soon as I'm in his presence, he treats me like a princess.

Sure, he teases me and picks on me, but that's just the fun part. He'd still peck me on the cheek even though his friends are looking.

It's being loved out loud. LITERALLY being L.O.L-ed HAHAHAA. OKAY LAME MUCH!?

End of cheesy rant.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WILLIAM SIN WEI CHER!
Have a good 16th and I hope you will take your trials seriously, because you know how much shit I'm gonna give you if you don't?
You've heard me nag and nag at you, and I won't stop, mark my words!
You'll forever be my blur ass buddy that makes me feel better every time I'm feeling down cos no matter how lame I am, you still manage to say I'm cool.
And that's why you're awesome.
LET'S GO OUT THIS SATURDAY WILL!

Shout out to Sharavanah for sitting next to me in Econs and giving me answers.

Songs I would like to recommend:
Paramore - The Only Exception
Paramore - Playing God
Paramore - Feeling Sorry (It has this crazy 6-8 beat timing)

Paramore's really up-ed their game. Can Hayley get any better? It's as if she sang those notes JUST so NO ONE can cover their songs.

More news on the Fly Anni will be posted up soon!
Follow me on Twitter!

http://twitter.com/monkeydisease

Practice kindness and gratitude.
For the love of Jason Mraz.

Which... by the way, I had a dream he asked his security guards to get me the hell out of backstage last night. Broke my heart, but wasn't real.

Thank God for that.

x

My view of Akon.

The blood was in my brain by the time Caprice took the stage and started dancing his routine. I sat on the side of stage and waited for my cue. It was coming, really, really soon. Caprice and the dancers gave their hearts out to the crowd and I was getting excited and impatient to do my song.

Then BOOM! The dancers and Caprice fall to the floor, and the female dancers and I strut onto stage, mike in hand. The roar from the crowd was over whelming. It was the exact same feeling I felt at the ending pose of Fame The Musical.

The four of us girls started strutting and shaking our asses on stage, suddenly all pumped up and all the perkiness in me that I never knew I had before bled out like a deep cut. I never knew I was such a girl. I start to sing, and the lights from the other end of the beach grows hot on my face, and it felt like the first time I sang "Pray, pray, pray," in Fame, just 10 times bigger an impact.

I can't hear the crowds but I can feel their feedback just by looking at them. They were waving lights in the air, throwing their hands up and the front ones were even dancing. Caprice would woo the girls that were closest to him while I'd just stand there and smile myself silly because everything was so overwhelming. I couldn't believe the view I was looking at. This would be 10 times bigger than the amount of people in the Apollo Theatre in London. A three minute song had changed my standard on performing.

As I sang the last note, I held my gaze onto crowd and sucked in the view one last time. So this is what Jason probably saw during his concert.

After Caprice finished all his songs, he turned to me and trotted over for a congratulatory hug from me to him. I was so proud of him, because the crowd went nuts for him. We walked back to our tent together, me slightly ahead of him, until he caught up. I was walking so slow because the thought of the crowd even paying attention to me was amazing. I couldn't think straight and my body wasn't moving right. I was officially high. High on life.

It'll be one of the moments I'll remember forever. Opening for an international artist in front of a bout 10,000 people. Not everybody gets to do that. And I was chosen to.

I would like to thank Ariz (a.k.a Caprice) for including me in this performance, and choosing me to sing the song with, and for telling me I can do anything.

And I would also like to let you know that I believe in you too and that I'm hoping for nothing but the best for you. You know what I'm talking about! I say, we both hold our breaths cos I believe it's actually gonna happen. I can just feel it about to happen for you.

Excuse the insiders talk. ;)

So, who wants to head to BB this Thursday with my classmates and I?
I think my friends will finally meet the boyfriend, Asyraff Kamal.

Yes. The boyfriend.
Boyfriend.
Hey, boyfriend.
AHHAAHH. This is so fun. :D

x

I wrote this right after it happened. I'm only posting it now.

--

Then this suddenly familiar feeling hit me, WHILE the camera was still rolling. It was this warmth, a comfortable kind of fuzzy feeling inside my tummy, but nevertheless still tight on the throat and eyes.

I stole a sneaky glance to the presence that stood behind the camera on the other side when the camera wasn't full frontal on my face and I saw someone I've been longing to see.

FOCUS! My face didn't give it away. I've done this a million times and this one time cannot fail me, since EVERYONE was in the shot this time. If I fucked up, that would mean that everyone else would have to do it again.

But finally, after what seemed like forever, the director screamed, "CUT!"
Everyone's arms fell to their side and their faces fell to the floor out of tiredness.

My heart stopped beating and blood pumped up into my head. I stared at him for a moment. I was fucking ecstatic, but because my brain wasn't functioning, neither was my facial expressions. I just stared at him for a good half a minute before actually saying something.

I hugged his friend first. Then when I turned to him, I was actually scared to touch him, afraid he'd just brush me off, but whether or not he was going to, I had to do it. I leaped towards him and wrapped my arms around him. Surprisingly, he hugged me back, maybe with one arm, but better than not holding me at all.

The pain went up to my nose, and before I knew it, tears were collecting in my eyes.
Amazed that he came, even after all the shit that happened.
Amazed that he showed up, even if it had been Sameera's plan.
Ecstatic that he was there to witness one of the most important days in my life.
Happy that I actually got to hug him again after so long.
Glad that he actually let me hug him, even after what I've done and what has happened.

Unbelievable.

I let go of him, and then hugged him again, and just held on to him. When I had to be back in front of the camera, my face scrunched up. I was about to cry. I probably looked like the most depressed person on Earth.

But the scrunched up facial expression was just me trying to stop my happiness from pouring out in tears. I wasn't breathing right anymore, but that didn't matter. There was one last scene to be shot and I wanted to give it 10000%, I wanted to make him proud of me. Maybe I'm not his favourite person anymore, and maybe we're not as close as we used to be, but I just hoped that with some good acting, he'll still feel proud of me.

Cos it matters, whatever he says, whatever he thinks. He matters. Maybe the fight was a shit way to prove it, but really. He matters.

The shoot finished, we exchanged a few words, I suggested we go supper, he agreed, we went for supper, he left after 10 minutes, and I gave him one last hug. I don't know when I'll see him again, but he has no idea how happy I am that he showed up.

Sameera, you're nuts for thinking I'd rape you for setting this all up.

It was the best friends, the shoot, the life, and me all in one night. It would have definitely been a lot different if this was shot let's say a month ago, but at least we were all together at that moment.

THAT was the highlight of my shoot. And I know it's complicating for you guys to read, but it was a very important moment for me cos I didn't think I'd ever see him again. A dear friend he is to me. One of the most important people.

He's the friend that would take me out of my own house when shit was getting messy at home.
The person that would tell me that crying over a situation is not worth it.
The person that would say something that would definitely make me laugh, no matter how bad the situation was.
The person that would comfort me when shit got really bad.
He's my person.
Meredith Grey has Christina Yang.
I had him.

The ultimate best friend. The one that even though I've only known him for about 10+ months, he falls under my category of lifetime-known friends.

The best friend that I lost.

And even though we're not on good terms, he still showed up for my shoot.
Does a person get any better than that?

I wanna say, that I miss you, and I hope we'll go back to the way we were. If you can't do it, I understand, but I'll still miss you.

Like Grey's Anatomy Season 6 Episode 2 says, "Grief is different on every person."
My grief might not show, but it's there. It's there after dinner sessions remember?

x

--

21st October 2009
I'm yours now, Asyraff Kamal.
Yours and only yours.

I'm ecstatic that I am with you.
And I don't care how messed up everything else is when I'm with you.
All I see is you.
All I see is us, standing in the wet city, staring at each other as if no one else is around us.
I might have issues, but you make me feel as if there's nothing to worry about.

And that's exactly how I need to feel right now.
Like the song At Last says, "My heart is wrapped in clovers."
You take care of me.
And I will do the same.

You're not afraid to express your feelings towards me either.
In front of anyone and everyone.

Bukan bodek. Sayang je. Haha.


x

I'm just about to fall asleep right here on my laptop's keys right now.
Crazy day today. School in the day (With hell, two hours of Economics) and then went home with Muhaimin to freshen up and get ready for rehearsals!

Guess what! My Bernardo (a.k.a Abdul Muhaimin, the guy who I've danced with almost all my dancing life) is going to appear in the music video of Thinking Of You with me! He'll be dancing and I'd like to give him a HUGE thanks for agreeing to do this :) Caprice seems to be very much pleased with his dancing and I think he's just gonna add more umph to the video clip.

Shooting's due this Sunday!

I would like to thank God for giving us a holiday the following Monday. Amin.

Been a crazy week of studying and getting scared shitless for the huge exams we call IGCSE. Just found out today we're having pre-trials (Wtf are pre-trials anyway?) in November, February (one day after my birthday, mind you), March AND April. Okay, we get it, we need all the preparation we can get, but HELLO!

Four effin trials? You must be nuts.

Well photos for today will be from two weeks ago, when Iman Nordin and Sameera Faruqi and I went to watch The Lighthouse Trio perform in Alexis Great Eastern Mall. I swear, the pianist, Gwilym Simcock owns the keys to our hearts. (Piano keys that is ;))


I'm getting lamer by the paragraphs!

Oh and did I mention I got to sing a jazzed up version of the school song with them? Whoa, I never meant to brag, but really, time of my life. I don't think I've ever sang the song with such school spirit before! Talk about an experience with crazy ass talented musicians.

This was two weeks ago! Damn. That long huh?
Too long. Too long.

Okay seriously, I'm gonna fall asleep any second now.
But that's the update for today!

Wish me luck for my video shoot this Sunday :)

p.s : Asyraff, I cannot WAIT to see you tomorrow.

x

I feel as if I'm not allowed to talk about my feelings. Or maybe I am allowed to but maybe I just shouldn't. So I express what I want to say through photographs. So that way, I'm explaining what I feel very indirectly and people can believe what they want to believe. So I'm showing you, this is how I feel, now it's up to you to think of what I feel exactly.

Cos not every one is straightforward with how they feel.
They like hiding some bits, then spilling some bits so we can all fuck each other's minds up.

Confused yet? One photo is tremendously emo and then the other looks so carefree and happy? It's as if I've been split into two. A side where everything's falling apart and a side where not everything is not as bad as I think it is.

I warp from side to side. And it's so unhealthy for my thoughts cos I really don't know what's going on.

After dinner is usually my most crucial times. Like, if I were you, I'd really avoid talking to me unless I'm completely sure I'm someone I'd like to hear from (Whoa, was that shit confusing or what?). Mother should know. Mother knows best. And I wanna say I'm so sorry to her cos I've really not been me over the past week and I know she wants to help but right now, I can't accept help.

That's my emo side.

And then comes the recovery session after the After Dinner session.
Usually happens with a phone call or a few texts, maybe just a soak in the tub.

And then I'll be back to normal, with a smile on my face and ready to take on the following day.

But then you press repeat and loop.
Same shit happens everyday, no matter how ecstatic I may be in the beginning of the day, I will end up being a tad bit emotional after dinner, whether its for a minute or an hour.

It's how I'll be now for quite a while and until I figure out what will totally screw the emo side over and shove it up karma's ass, you're going to have to please, please bare with it. I sound a little psycho and mentally unstable talking about two emotions like a split personality or something.

Maybe I should appear on Heroes or someshit.

----

Update on the music, the Thinking Of You video clip will be shot this weekend, so lots and lots of preparation to do this week. Busy, busy, busy.

♥


Credits to Farhan Yassin, my Jemo buddy for the awesome photographs.

-Edit-
I wrote something longer but just remembered, I am not going to discuss my feelings.

Another hour of IT to go then lunch then Econs.
Supposed to see Asyraff after school today but he's got errands to take care off so Sharavanah is taking me out with some other classmates instead.

Which reminds me, I should get Zenna out.

x

Have you ever been so lost?
Known the way and still so lost?

I might look happy and it might be true that I am, but remember, I'm not that bad of an actress either.

Mother dropped me off, just like she did 8 and 7 days months ago, at my oh so favourite place of that time. I stared into the entrance, picturing the place as if the cars filled the place as it did 8 months ago and 7 days ago, and you stood in between both of them, in a black shirt and brownish shorts, waiting to greet me. As soon as I shut the car door behind me, reality hit right back in and I saw my dear friend walking up towards me, beckoning me to the food that awaited. The place suddenly filled with tens and tens of people that I didn't even notice when I got there.

My friend led me to the table where other friends were seated, and before he got on the rise of the house, he took off his shoes. I scanned my friends' feet to see if their shoes were still on. Thank God they were so I kept mine on. Feeling that familiar pebble stone pressed against my feet wasn't going to make me feel any better about the night.

We were seated on the side of the house, where the pool couldn't really be seen. God, how I didn't want to look at it. An uncomfortable feeling hit me as we just sat around, eating and catching up. Of course, almost constantly at the back of my mind I was imagining that day, 8 months and days ago. When we were pressed up at the side of the pool, subtly kissing so people in the house wouldn't see us.

FOCUS!

I got up to get more food. And I ate plate after plate. It was the only way to get the feeling of your kiss away from my head. As soon as I couldn't shove any more food into me, the lot of us agreed to go play the piano.

The piano had been shifted from where it used to be. I felt kind of relieved, so that when I sat down to play the piano, I didn't see your face in the door frame, watching me play what I thought was our song way back then. Cos 8 months and 7 days ago, I sat there after our swim, and played the chords to the song that was meant for you, and you watched quietly, not even smiling, the intensity in your eyes showing how concentrated you were on my playing. Never had I felt someone appreciate my work that much.

FOCUS!

One friend took hold of the piano and played it. I stood back and just watched and sang along to the songs I did know, we took photos and soon I forgot what was distracting me so much.

And then they proposed we go outside, next to the pool.

Great.

So now I had to look at it. It's alright, I told myself, I'm stronger than this.

We walked out and I saw where you threw me into the water, fully clothed. I remember I jumped onto you when you tried pushing me and wrapped my legs around your waist, so that if I fell, you'd fall with me. You laughed and so did I, and you tried to pry me off your skin. I finally got down and you gave me a gentle push, and so I fell. I looked at you, my hair sticking to my face and asked if you were coming in. You said, "Wait, let me go change." And I smirked at you, thinking hell, you can get changed and I can't? I waited for you in the water and when you finally came, I pulled you in.

FOCUS!

Two of the boys were playing with a punching bag, my phone had rang but I didn't hear it. I called the person back and said he had to wait till I get home for me to call him.

My shoes were off, I noticed, and I daringly stepped on the pebble stone, closest to the pool. This was where I screamed my head off, afraid you'd push me into the pool. Then I glanced back over to the area where we ate that night, 8 months and 7 days ago. I tried to picture the glow of the candles on our faces from a far. Then I saw myself get up and sit next to you. Then I saw you turn to me and kiss me very, very lightly on the lips.

Ugh, someone kill me now. We all went back inside to play the piano and watch TV.

We all decided to go out. So we did. And we went to that place where I think everything ended.

I saw the spot next to the tree where I took you to talk things through. My heart surprisingly didn't stop. We had a drink, drove our friends home and then it was just me and a pal on the way home. We spoke.

And when he brought your name up, I was relieved that he did. I had been DYING to speak of you the whole night, since the whole day I was completely quiet about you. He said our relationship was good. I agreed. He said it would've been nice for it to go on. I agreed.

But, sayang, me agreeing doesn't mean I'm not going to move on anymore. I am, slowly.
I'm gonna miss you, cos I love you.
But if this is only for my own good, I'll have to go.
But I won't forget those precious times.
I don't cringe or cry any more at the thought of those moments.
I smile with pride thinking, you did it all for me once, and it's happened to me once, when many people didn't get it before this. I was blessed to have ever experienced such a moment. And it's all thanks to you.
So thanks for the memories.
Thanks for the love you gave.
You can keep the love I gave, cos it only wants to be received by you. I'm not taking back my love.
I don't need us to be lovers anymore.
I need us to be that pair that made it through.
I'm here for you forever.
Please remember that.
You mean almost everything to me.

x